Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")

And a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have One more position where by American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: offer Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is soft electric power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It truly is that he ought to cease working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."

Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head visible from space, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes

Perhaps the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium exactly where attendees may contemplate obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.

Area Syrians are unsure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"

The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is currently attracting attention from Worldwide investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:

A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

Trump Tower Damascus

And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Segment Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not hold out to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge where by my PTSD may have switch-down provider."

A different put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."